Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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