we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
