He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
