he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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