Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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