we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
