eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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