Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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