hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize