Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
