Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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