I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
