is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize