my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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