Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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