I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Sorry about my life...
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
