I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I use my feet as sexual weapons
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
