I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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