Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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