My liver just broke up with me...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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