I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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