fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
