Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
