what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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