I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize