Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
