so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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