can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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