My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Randomize
