I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
