you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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