it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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