Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
