my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Lo siento on account of my penis...
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
