I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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