i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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