Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
