Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
