i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
