Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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