FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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