oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
