Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize