I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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