There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
