I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
