just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Randomize
