bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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