What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize