My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
