tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
