waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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