Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
