Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
