I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
