Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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